Welcome to the thoughts, reflections and insights of an Interfaith Minister and Celebrant. I don’t know how you landed on this page but I hope you find postings and links that touch your heart, make you think and uplift your spirits.
Rev. Akasha Lonsdale
October 24, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Regrets, I’ve had a few…..
May 10, 2013 By Leave a Comment
“Regrets, I’ve had a few but then again too few to mention”. So said Frank Sinatra in his famous song. However this doesn’t appear to be true for the majority of us. During the years of working with patients in the last weeks and days of their life, a palliative care nurse would ask about their regrets and she has been able to identify the top five.
Number one on the list was those who said they wished they’d had the courage to live their lives in a way that was true to them, rather than meeting the expectations of others. There was regret about the amount of time spent working rather than with family, and about loss of contact with friends. They also regretted not having allowed themselves to be happier because they had been afraid of change.
All of these are powerful and in many ways they link to the third one that really stands out for me – the regret that they had not expressed their feelings more. So many people just don’t know how to communicate in a clear, open and honest way. At the extremes they either go through life pleasing others or fighting everyone. Even those who consider themselves to be direct are usually just blunt and have a “take it or leave it” attitude. Often conversations are put off because people don’t know what to say or how to say it in a way that is authentic and intended for a win/win outcome. Years go by, relationships sour, hearts harden and the end-of-life result is one of bitterness and regret.
One of the processes I use with my clients is to get them to imagine being 80/85, sitting in their favourite chair and looking back over their lives.
What would they have regrets about?
What did they really want to do that they never did?
Did they stay in their relationships too long?
Did they play enough?
Did they tell those closest that they loved them?
These questions really get them focused on what isn’t working now. That way they can begin taking the action needed to ensure that they don’t get to that age with those regrets. Obviously there are no guarantees but how great would it be to have “too few to mention”.
www.akashalonsdale.com
www.simplydivineceremonies.com
Thank you to the Guardian newspaper for the article that inspired this blog post;
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying
Honesty Pays!
December 21, 2012 By Leave a Comment
I was brought up with the maxim that “honesty is the best policy” and this certainly paid dividends for 69 year old homeless busker, Alan Dent. Having found a purse with £70 cash and credit cards, instead of helping himself, he handed it into a local bank.
It was traced to a young mum who publicly thanked Alan for his honesty and the story was featured in the Manchester Evening News resulting in him being inundated with visitors to his busking pitch where he plays the recorder. As well as congratulations and praise for what he’d done, he made around £150 in a day together with receiving drinks and food. However the icing on the cake is that a homeless charity have offered him somewhere to live and he hopes to be in by Christmas!
The poignancy of the story is that being homeless could happen to anyone. Two years after losing his job in 2005, Alan lost his home and has lived in temporary accommodation. In some ways he might be luckier than some who just end up on the streets permanently, but it powerfully illustrates the fragility of so-called “security”.
So this holiday season as well as rejoicing at Alan’s turn in fortunes and doing what I can to ease the hardship of others, I will also be giving heartfelt thanks for having a roof over my head, food on the table and someone to share it with. As the motivational teacher Anthony Robbins said “Live every day with an attitude of Gratitude”. Definitely another maxim to live by. Happy Holidays.
Crocodile Tears!
December 11, 2012 By Leave a Comment
Earlier today I was enjoying a Costa coffee when two young mums wheeled in their respective youngsters, a boy and a girl both aged about 21/5. They duly positioned their buggies, got some drinks and set about the important task of talking to each other and ignoring their children.
Suddenly, the little boy began to cry. I don’t know what had happened but they were genuine tears. So mum picked him up and sat him astride her lap with her arm around his waist, whilst she continued to chat. Meanwhile the little girl was just left in her buggy with nothing to do – so she too started to wail loudly but I could see quite clearly that it was just hollow noise, because when nothing happened she stopped for a moment, looked round to consider the situation, and then started again.
Barely pausing for a break in her conversation, mum then half-heartedly leaned into the buggy and waved the child’s comfort blanket at her. It was taken but clearly not having achieved the desired effect, the noise went up several decibels. Mum “schss’d” her and carried on talking. Only when the noise went up yet again, was real notice taken, but even then only in the form of putting the comfort blanket directly into the girl’s hands.
Normally this behaviour drives me nuts and I wasn’t overjoyed this time. However, I could also see exactly what was going on in terms of “learned behaviour”. The little girl had spotted that when the little boy cried, he got picked up and cuddled by mum, so as she wasn’t getting any attention, she decided to give it a go too – and when it didn’t work, she upped the anti in frustration. It is so obvious when a child is just crying for attention because there is just noise but no real emotion – except for anger! Even if tears do appear, often called crocodile tears, the sound is still hollow.
I can’t believe that the so called “yummy mummies” aren’t aware of it, so I can only conclude that their chat with a friend is far more important than actually paying attention to their children, or at least providing them with some stimulus which at that young age, they really need. As we know a minute for an adult is like three hours for a child so “schhh” doesn’t really do it. Just picking the little boy up had been enough for him. What a pity the other mother didn’t follow suit – then maybe we’d all have enjoyed our coffee a bit more.
Love defies Gender
November 28, 2012 By Leave a Comment
I have heard that a number of people are decrying the storyline in Coronation Street (long running British soap) where Marcus, a lifelong gay man has fallen in love with heterosexual Maria. They consider is to be a stretch too far and unrealistic.
This is actually a brilliant storyline as it happens more often than many people obviously realise. In fact with three of the civil partnerships I have conducted, one partner in two of the relationships had previously been married and had children, and in a third, both men had been married before and had children. One of the men had always been gay but told me “I just happened to fall in love with a woman”.
This was similar to a close friend of mine who having been divorced some years said “I’ve fallen in love” and when I was overjoyed for her, she said quietly “with a woman”. I remember still being overjoyed and saying “So what, love is love!” She was so relieved because that’s not the reaction she received from a number of other friends.
What is also true is that many married men are in fact suppressing gay feelings for fear of how they would be treated if they “came out”. Given that in the UK until 1967 homosexuality was a criminal offence and psychiatrists, believing that it was a form of illness, would often use horrific techniques to try and “cure” someone, maybe it’s not surprising. Yes it’s the 21st century and whilst in western culture predominantly, there is vastly more acceptance of gay relationships, there is also still a lot of overt, and underlying prejudice even from those who might profess to be cool with it.
But at the end of the day, love is love and when cupid’s arrow strikes, let’s hope that you are happy with the gender opposite you!
Happy Diwali – The Festival of Lights
November 13, 2012 By Leave a Comment
Diwali starts today but Robin, my stepson in India told me that there were already fireworks everywhere yesterday evening as excitement mounted for probably the most famous festival celebrated by Hindus, Jains and Sikhs (although the last two cultures have different meanings for the celebration).
The Festival of Lights, also known as Deepawali or Dival, takes place over five nights, and starts with a thorough cleaning of the house which is then decorated throughout with strings of lights and lamps.
New clothes are often purchased and the outside entrance is decorated with rangolis, elaborate drawings frequently depicting the lotus flower which honours Lakshmi, the goddess of beauty, wealth and prosperity – who it is hoped will enter the houses displaying lamps in the window to light her way.
Such is the belief in the auspiciousness of this time, that special Lakshmi shrines might be created containing pictures of desired material possessions. In India this time marks the end of the harvest season, and prayers of thanks are not only given for past prosperity but for another successful year. Diwali is also considered a good time to start a new business.
It is a period of much joy, where Diwali cards and gifts are exchanged with the wishes of “Shubh Diwali” (Happy Diwali), and googras, a popular Diwali pastry of sweet coconut are offered to friends. There are huge firework displays and in some cases a lot of gambling, which has its origins in the legend that tells of Parvati playing cards with her husband, Lord Shiva, and declaring that anyone who gambled at this time would be lucky!
For some Hindus the occasion celebrates the triumphant return to the city of Ayodha of Lord Rama and Sita, twenty days after the defeat of Ravana. It is said that they arrived to find avali (rows) of deepa (lamps) displayed in homes in honour of their return – hence the name Deepawali.
However, amidst the materialism, it is also important to remember that the deeper spiritual meaning of Diwali is to celebrate an awareness of the inner light that shines through the dark of ignorance and fear.
“Shubh Diwali!”
Taken in part from my book “Do I Kneel or Do I Bow?: What you need to know when attending Religious occasions”, (Kuperard, 2010).
The Day of the Dead
November 2, 2012 By Leave a Comment
In the Christian calendar, today is All Soul’s Day which is when family members who have died are remembered and honoured. In the Roman Catholic church this is marked as the Commemoration of the Faithful Departed when candles are lit and special prayers said for the souls of the departed to be free of sin and received into heaven. In Mexico this day is known as El Dia de los Muertos“The Day of the Dead”, when ancestors are welcomed into the home to be acknowledged as part of the family. Many people choose this day to visit cemeteries and lay fresh flowers on the graves of loved ones.
Whatever the custom, culture or belief, I think it is lovely to have a special day to remember those who have passed and I particularly like these beautiful words I came across recently “Memories of loved ones are like songs in our souls”. I shall certainly be lighting some candles and spending quiet time remembering friends and family who are no longer part of the physical realm.
More information about the rituals, history, festivals and holy days of the major world faiths can be found in “Do I Kneel or Do I Bow:? What you need to know when attending Religious occasions” by Akasha Lonsdale
Ghoulies and Ghosties – Trick or Treat!
October 31, 2012 By Leave a Comment
Yes, you guessed, it’s Halloween – which actually means the eve of All Hallows (Hallow being an old English word for sanctified or holy – think “hallowed be thy name” if you know the Lord’s Prayer), and is followed by All Saints Day on the 1st November.
There are also strong links between Hallowe’en and the ancient Gaelic festival of Samhain, which marks the end of the harvesting season and the start of the winter months, where certain animals would be slaughtered and kept for food in the coldest months.
It is also the midway point between the summer and winter solstice, and is considered a time when the “doorway” to the world of the dead was open enough for their souls to cross the threshold into the world of the living. Hence the link with “ghoulies and ghosties ………and things that go bump in the night”. In the Christian tradition the dead are remembered and prayed for on All Souls Day which is the 2nd November.
Of course the best known tradition of Halloween is children dressing up as witches or skeletons, then knocking on your door and saying “trick or treat”. The idea is that if you don’t want them to do something unpleasant (trick), you give them a treat in the form of a sweet or money. Again this has ancient links and dressing up may be connected with the need to disguise oneself for safety against the ghouls and ghosts. Alternatively it is suggested that it was also linked with the Christian tradition of All Souls, where impoverished families would offer to pray for the souls of the departed in return for small amounts of cake. This was known as “souling”.
Another popular practice is to remove the flesh from a pumpkin and then carve the skin into a ghoulish looking face, made more effective by placing a lighted candle inside! In North America this tradition is known as “jack o’lanterns” and was imported by Irish and British immigrants. The lights could have been to ward off any evil spirits lurking around on Halloween, or just to light the way home after a good night out!
And talking of a good night out, if you’re still up at midnight on the 31st, you’re single and looking for a life partner, then folklore has it that if you look in the mirror you will see the face of the person you will marry! Have fun….
What the Talking Whale Said!
October 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment
For more than 30 years Noc, a white beluga whale, lived in California’s National Marine Mammal Foundation in San Diego so that he, along with other mammals, could be studied. Over the years he cleverly learnt to adapt his vocal chords to resonate more with humans, and the lead scientist suggested that this was a motivation for contact. 
Personally though I’m not surprised that the contact came in the form of the word “out” – constantly repeated to a diver in his pool.
I’m sure that he would rather have spent his long life enjoying the open seas in the company of other beluga whales than being the subject of scientific research. Good on you, Noc. RIP.
You can watch a short clip of Noc here
Photo courtesy of Eva Hejda http://fotos.naturspot.de/
Save the London Black Cab!
October 24, 2012 By Leave a Comment
It looks like the iconic London Black cab is about to disappear as Manganese Bronze, the company that makes them faces possible bankruptcy, partly because of the need to recall a large number due to a faulty part. As a Londoner this would be a sad loss because they are known and respected around the world, indeed are actually also popular in other parts of the world.
The London cabbie is a unique breed and most of them are good natured souls who love a chat – at least the ones I’ve met over the years. Not to mention that their knowledge of London is phenomenal, as it should be because of their extensive training known as “the knowledge”. I remember the familiar Sunday afternoon sight of scooters with boards propped up on the front, as the future cabbies learnt every street by heart – and I have fond memories of spotting an empty cab in the distance, putting my arm up and yelling “Taxi”. Unless they can be saved, it won’t just be the passing of a black cab – it will be the loss of another great British way of life.
Photo courtesy of www.freecityguides.org
The Sick Society of Internet Trolls
October 23, 2012 By Leave a Comment
I read today that the highly successful and hugely popular singer, Adele had given birth to a baby boy. Needless to say that her partner Simon and she are over the moon, as any new parents would be.
However, it seems that not everyone was pleased at the news, in fact quite the reverse. It was used as an opportunity by a number of cruel minded individuals to tweet disgusting messages that I wouldn’t want to repeat here.
As a psychotherapist I guess I’m not so much shocked by things like this, but continually saddened that there seem to be so many people who are so damaged by life at such a young age, that they can only spew out hatred in the face of someone else’s happiness.
Perhaps they are jealous of Adele’s well deserved success but since it happens with non-celebrities too, I image it is more to do with their own shrivelled hearts and the fact that they can hide behind social media to spread their vitriol.
What’s sadder still is that people engage with them and pass the messages on. I’d like to believe that at the least, they had genuine mental health issues but I suspect that they are just part of the increasing tribe of cyber bullies (internet trolls) who take delight in causing pain to others to make themselves feel better. When I was growing up the only trolls I knew of were the ones in the picture above. However, the human version are far from cute and the sooner they start being prosecuted, the better.
In the meantime my heartfelt congratulations to Adele, Simon and their baby boy.
